Things You Tell Yourself While Standing On Your Hands

Jay Horne
6 min readMay 8, 2020

“Push with your shoulders! Keep your arms by your ears! Breathe! Just go over, you stupid bit*h!”

Anyone who has mastered a seemingly impossible feat will know that only practice makes perfect. But, there is always that little voice inside that tells us that if we just understand some tiny trick or piece of knowledge that we will, then, magically be able to perform.

Suppose there were some little blue pill that would just make us stand up straight and stiff!

I used to ask my coach how he was able to hold his handstand for as long as he wanted, and he would always just smile, sometimes offering me a little advice, “Keep your butt tight.”

Often, I wondered if he was actually trying to help or just making a joke about sodomy.

What’s with all of the sexual innuendos?

Looking back, I can see that the best advice he could give me was no advice at all.

The more you try and tell someone how it’s done, the more time they spend thinking and the less time they spend practicing. It’s like trying to read yourself into big muscles. When the only thing helping is lifting the book. Or, watching videos to learn a straddle stretch. You’ll never get to do the splits without , eh em, spreading your legs. Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

C’mon, it’s funny!

Despite my better judgement, and in a spirit of sportsmanship and literature alike, I will jot down a few notes, I remember mentally taking, as I trudged through failure after failure on my way to final success. Mostly because, reading them might inspire you to go out and try a handstand… and then, try again and again and again…

Honestly, If I were to write a book on how to do a handstand, I would title it,

Learn a handstand in five-hundred pages.’

Each page would simply read,

‘Do fifty handstands, each time counting how long you’re able to hold it, then turn the page.’
The last page would read, ‘turn to page one.’

I tried mastering a handstand three different times in my life.

Jay Horne

Jay has been publishing for 12 years but was writing creatively since just a tike. His writing has matured but most of it is immature like Terry Pratchett's.